∴ I’m not necessarily what you would call a “girly girl.” I don’t wear a lot of pink and I look like a drunken gazelle when I wear heels.
But I do like beauty products. They are bright and colorful and usually smell good, which is all I really ask of anything in life. When I get to that shiny aisle in the drugstore, I become alive with hope and wonder, like those bratty kids in that damn chocolate factory. But soon, shit starts to go down – kids are dying strange sugary deaths, and things aren’t quite so fun anymore.
I start with foundation. There are so many options here. Liquid or powder? Matte or shiny? And then I have to choose a color. Am I… a beige? Fair? Natural? I find myself comparing my skin to celebrities’. I’m pretty fair, but I’m no Anne Hathaway. But I’m in no way a either. I guess I’m more of a Drew Barrymore? A friend of mine tells me, “I am lighter than you, so you can’t be the lightest one.” That takes one color out of the running. “And you have pinkish undertones, but not as pink as mine.” Okay. Only I’m not an expert in detecting undertones. Same goes with the top and bottom notes in a fragrance. I mean, I can usually identify whether something smells “woodsy” , “floral”, or “fruity.” But asking me to pick a peony from a pansy would be like asking me to find Yemen on a map – I got nothing. Similarly, if someone pointed a gun to my head and asked “AM I A SUMMER OR FALL STYLE?” I would probably end up in a ditch.
Then it’s hair. This is what gives me the most trouble so I try to pick products through elimination. My hair is long and auburnish, so I first rule out the products for short and dark hair. I feel good about myself for a little.
It also tends to be a bit unruly, in the sense that I almost always wake up with giant “morning after” sex hair as opposed to the more tame “bedhead” hair even if I spent the night alone watching Dumb and Dumber for the hundredth time and eating a leftover sandwich. And look! There’s a product for unruly hair! I grab a bottle and turn to leave…
But wait. My hair is also dry, and here is a product that is extra moisturizing. Hold on – there are also products that promise to mend my split ends and others that claim to deep condition and repair months of damage! But still, here’s a product for straight hair, wavy hair, and curly hair. And for color treated hair! WHAT TWILIGHT ZONE HAVE I WALKED INTO?
As much as I hate to admit it – I am highly influenced by advertisements. Look, its Stacey from What Not To Wear. She’s sort of a bitch but she’s got great hair, so I should go with Pantene. Pantene girls look like they just dipped their hair in a vat of extra virgin olive oil. Which I would happily do, but that E.V.O.O. shit is expensive.
Now there is Long and Strong – ok, my hair is long, but does it need to be strong? Fucking Garnier and their ridiculous commercials assume I wish to tie my hair in a giant knot or attach it to a fence and demolish it like a goddamn construction site.
Inevitably, I end up trying everything once but bring home whatever smells the best. Kind of like my love life. Hah, just kidding. Not really, though.
That chocolate river of death is looking pretty damn good right now.
♥ E
BOOTS & BISOUS 