How to fake having ‘it’ together

They say fake it ‘till you make it. Some things you should not fake:

Being a doctor
Flying an airplane
Assuring everyone at the table that you know how much each person owes for dinner plus tax and tip
Other than that, go for it. It’s not lying if you believe it.

From now on, you no longer “hang out.” You have business meetings. Getting together with a friend for coffee? Business meeting.

Mom buying you lunch? Business meeting.

Phone call with your therapist? Business call.

What’s a business meeting anyway, really? As long as
you accomplished something – anything – in a set amount of time, you’re taking care of business.

Post non-braggy updates on Facebook. Here’s an example.

DO:
Psyched to be writing for Cool New Web Blog Everyone Loves (like Boots & Bisous) Will try not to suck too hard. Thanks to everyone for reading my stuff!

DO NOT:
Wow, totally overwhelmed and just brimming with joy that I was asked out of millions of people to write exclusively for Cool Blog Everyone Loves. I know I’m gonna hit it out of the park!!! You guys, please retweet and Facebook share everything I write. It’s really important, I need to keep this going, I am doing so great everything is awesome, I can’t wait to text my BFF Jonah Hill about this!!!!

Sometimes I see all the great things my friends are doing and I feel really good for them. Sometimes I see all the great things my “who the fuck are these people, did we even meet” friends are doing and I feel really annoyed. But if you’re using Facebook and you’re not planning to quit anytime soon, stop the “ugh can’t believe I’m sick again and no one is hiring me and I want to die” updates and project good, confident energy.

You may be asking, “What if nothing great is happening to me?”

If nothing great is going on in your life, you make like the Price is Right Wheel and spin it.

“How are you?” someone asks at a party.

Don’t say, “I’m awful no one will hire me and my boyfriend got fat.” Say, “I’m doing pretty well, and I don’t feel like killing myself.”

If they say, “Wow, that’s horrible, my brother killed himself and I find that really offensive,” respond with, “Wow, because I was really referring to your brother just now because everything is about you and your fucking dead brother, isn’t it? Go fuck yourself.” Then steal a copy of The Great Gatsby from their house before you leave.

If the party isn’t at their house, follow them home. Wait until they go to sleep. Break in. Find their copy of The Great Gatsby. Take it. Everyone has a copy of The Great Gatsby. If you don’t, it’s because I stole it.

But that’s not important right now. My point is that people don’t need to know what’s really happening in your life, especially if it bums you out, because why share what makes you sad? Find the brightest side and go with it. You’re faking it until you feel it, remember?

“What do you do for a living?” they may ask you. “Nothing, I can’t get a job and I complain about that on my blog” = “I’m a freelance writer until I find something I really want to commit to.”

You have to take those moments when panic and fear slap you across your face and block them with your fake confidence. Picture your confidence as your personal bodyguard.

Also, next time you want to cry, laugh instead. Laugh because of how absurd it is. “Why yes, MINI dealership, of course I have $8,000 to spend on a new transmission and labor costs for my 2006 MINI Cooper.”

Just kidding, are you fucking kidding me? If I had $8,000 to spend on a 2006 MINI Cooper, I wouldn’t even have a 2006 MINI Cooper in the first place. I would have 6 regular Coopers instead. Oh really? You don’t appreciate my sarcasm? I don’t appreciate you FUCKING ME. What, you think because you’re a dealership I’m gonna do whatever you say? You think I’m Miley and I’m just gonna twerk up against you? You can go twerk yourself.

Then hang up and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.

❤ E

dates.

OK everyone by now you know that I feel that no one really dates anymore so perhaps your question for me is, 1) “So Emma, what sort of date WOULD you like to go on?” Or maybe your question is, 2) “Why are you being such a bitch lately?” I’m going to answer the first question because the second question is impossible to answer. That’s like asking why an apple is edible. Or why the moon is so big. Or why Jon Hamm is so perfectly engineered. And et cetera.

A few days ago a some guy I know invited me to go for a hike. Because of point #2 above, I said no. I don’t hike. What am I, Yogi Bear? But the point is that is a great idea for a date! It’s going outside of the box. It’s saying to the box, “Hey fucker, I’m going to step right outside of you and I’m not even going to look back.”

When it comes to dates, I like to go old school. I really do like a guy to take me out to a  restaurant. It doesn’t need to be expensive or trendy. Personally I don’t have a favorite restaurant, but if some dude saddled up and said, “Hey I know an awesome place” and then took me to East Side Pocket in Providence, that would pretty much melt my heart.

But dinner can be too cliche. Some other cool things to do include museums. Remember those? They’re like the internet but instead of hilarious GIFs (Side note: I hate GIFs. They’re like 1/8 of a punchline, if that. No nuance, no thought required. Just garbage), they’re real, physical works that you can look at, but not touch. The great thing about going to museums is that you can both feel like you’re really accomplishing something and it’s great to drop at a party. “Oh I just got back from the new _____ show” and people want to sound equally cultured so they’ll say, “Wow, how was it?” and then you can say, “It was resplendent/dull/fascinating/preterable.” BTW that last word was made up DID YOU NOTICE? You better keep your eyes locked on what I write because you never know when I’m going to throw you a fucking curveball. I’m like Mr. Simonet, from Pay It Forward: always trying to educate.

Now I know at this age and with the economy it’s hard to afford a decent date to which I say, TOO BAD, MONEY UP! No No that’s harsh. Really, there are inexpensive things you can do. Like hike. Or cook something together. Or look at plants or whatever. I am not being condescending! These are fine things to do! Or you could go scout out a photobooth and for 2-4 bucks get real non-Mac photobooth photos or walk along the beach. Or if you were on the date that I was on, you have that beach stroll interrupted by a phone call from your date’s strung-out friend who is confused and is stranded in Buzzards Bay without a ride or shoes. But whatever!

♥E