shut. up.

I don’t know what’s going on with me lately, or if this is something I’ve always done and haven’t noticed until recently, BUT I CAN’T SHUT THE FUCK UP. By which I mean, if you engage me, I will go on tangents like they’re a free trip to Paris. If I’m introduced to a group, I am shy, unless I start drinking or unless you engage me. And if you engage me, watch the fuck out. You know those movies where there’s that cool quirky girl that is fascinating? Or is supposed to be, but actually she’s not quirky, she just has no filter and won’t shut the fuck up?

HI!!!!!!!!

A few days ago I was at a dinner and I felt the need to tell this guy about myself, but 90% of what I told him was totally unnecessary and not remotely interesting. Example:

DUDE: What do you do?

ME: Oh I work in retail – at this surf/skate shop on Main Street in the summer, but besides being a full time student I guess I’m also a writer, I mean sort of, I have this blog, wait here’s my card! I don’t mean to be weird it’s just I have these cards and I really like them but I’m trying to get rid of them because I should have gotten them glossy but I didn’t, so now I want to get them glossy but I should give these out first. But you seem really cool so I actually really want you to have my card. (Takes out card, gives it to guy. Guys says card is cool, thus making the mistake of engaging me further.) So yeah, I have this blog, it’s about life, relationships, being in college, anything that young adults (I guess?) are experiencing right now, and living around here, but I don’t really know, so I do that, and I sometimes blog for other sites. I wanted to change my picture in the “About Me” section on my blog, so I took a picture and I wasn’t crazy about my hair at first, but I don’t know, I always have issues with my hair. I just got my bangs trimmed.

YES. ALL HE ASKED ME WAS WHAT I DO.

Dan, if you’re reading this, thank you for not punching me in the face.

There’s a fine line between Annie Hall and Annie, Get Your Gun And Shoot Yourself In The Face. Oh my God, these puns, I’m like Carrie Bradshaw. I mean I think she’s alright, but she had some pretty bad puns. Isn’t it weird how she’s such a big cultural figure that she’s become more famous than Sarah Jessica Parker?

AND THERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER TANGENT.

I guess most of my blog is tangents, but I hope that they’re somewhat related to each other, like some weird inbred family. It’s just that my brain is constantly rambling with incidents and things that I shouldn’t say out loud, but actually most of the time it works out. Something that you would say to a normal person would get you slapped but maybe it’s because I’m charming or because I hang out with awesome people, but they get it. They go with it. If they don’t go with it, it’s awkward. It’s usually awkward either way, but it’s especially awkward when someone is on a totally different wavelength. It’s like what do you talk about? You talk about Facebook.

Facebook has replaced weather as the default conversation topic.

It’s sad but true?

I don’t know, I’m just going to shut up and drink my wine.

♥E

do-over

There comes that point in every woman’s life where she abruptly declares, “I hate men. I’m becoming a lesbian”, is where I’ve face planted in my life right now. I’m not actually becoming a lesbian. But what I am deciding to do is something I’ve never done but have been advised to do so for several years. I’m going to focus on me. I’m always so enthralled in the midst of occupying myself in trying to make someone else happy and meet their needs and demands, all while I neglect my own feelings and needs until they reach their limit and erupt, resulting in me crying into a bowl of Cheerios at 2 A.M. It is a viscous cycle.

But nobody else but me can break the cycle. Which is where me working on things about myself that need to be changed finds itself involved. Sometimes it’s not the other person who needs to change, it’s you. As much as I hate to admit it, there’s quite a few things I really like about myself that I would never change. But then there’s so many things I want to fix. Like how tense I am sometimes.

Being tense is a specialty of mine. It’s weird because most of the time I’m pretty laid-back but when I would most like to be easy going is when I’m at my most nervous state of being. I want to believe in myself but I let life get in the way. I try to plan everything out. I try not to psych myself up. But I think it’s back firing. I just want to have unwavering belief in myself. Do you have any idea how hard that is? To block out all of the “logical” reasons why something won’t work out for you and to focus instead on how great you are and how everything is going to work out somehow? You know who’s really good at doing that? Kanye West.

God, I love Kanye West.

But screw everything else. Anything about myself that I can control is changeable. That’s it. I’m in one of the primes of my life right now. I shouldn’t be wasting it on petty things that in 5 years will make me say “Why the hell was I so anxious about that?” I should be spending it by being my breezy self, getting hammered all the time, sleeping around, and making bad decisions. Jokes of course. But being breezy and the whole “Ob la di ob la da, life goes on” is how I should be doing things.

Or you can always take the other route and fake it till ya make it.

Roll with the punches.

♥E