shut. up.

I don’t know what’s going on with me lately, or if this is something I’ve always done and haven’t noticed until recently, BUT I CAN’T SHUT THE FUCK UP. By which I mean, if you engage me, I will go on tangents like they’re a free trip to Paris. If I’m introduced to a group, I am shy, unless I start drinking or unless you engage me. And if you engage me, watch the fuck out. You know those movies where there’s that cool quirky girl that is fascinating? Or is supposed to be, but actually she’s not quirky, she just has no filter and won’t shut the fuck up?

HI!!!!!!!!

A few days ago I was at a dinner and I felt the need to tell this guy about myself, but 90% of what I told him was totally unnecessary and not remotely interesting. Example:

DUDE: What do you do?

ME: Oh I work in retail – at this surf/skate shop on Main Street in the summer, but besides being a full time student I guess I’m also a writer, I mean sort of, I have this blog, wait here’s my card! I don’t mean to be weird it’s just I have these cards and I really like them but I’m trying to get rid of them because I should have gotten them glossy but I didn’t, so now I want to get them glossy but I should give these out first. But you seem really cool so I actually really want you to have my card. (Takes out card, gives it to guy. Guys says card is cool, thus making the mistake of engaging me further.) So yeah, I have this blog, it’s about life, relationships, being in college, anything that young adults (I guess?) are experiencing right now, and living around here, but I don’t really know, so I do that, and I sometimes blog for other sites. I wanted to change my picture in the “About Me” section on my blog, so I took a picture and I wasn’t crazy about my hair at first, but I don’t know, I always have issues with my hair. I just got my bangs trimmed.

YES. ALL HE ASKED ME WAS WHAT I DO.

Dan, if you’re reading this, thank you for not punching me in the face.

There’s a fine line between Annie Hall and Annie, Get Your Gun And Shoot Yourself In The Face. Oh my God, these puns, I’m like Carrie Bradshaw. I mean I think she’s alright, but she had some pretty bad puns. Isn’t it weird how she’s such a big cultural figure that she’s become more famous than Sarah Jessica Parker?

AND THERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER TANGENT.

I guess most of my blog is tangents, but I hope that they’re somewhat related to each other, like some weird inbred family. It’s just that my brain is constantly rambling with incidents and things that I shouldn’t say out loud, but actually most of the time it works out. Something that you would say to a normal person would get you slapped but maybe it’s because I’m charming or because I hang out with awesome people, but they get it. They go with it. If they don’t go with it, it’s awkward. It’s usually awkward either way, but it’s especially awkward when someone is on a totally different wavelength. It’s like what do you talk about? You talk about Facebook.

Facebook has replaced weather as the default conversation topic.

It’s sad but true?

I don’t know, I’m just going to shut up and drink my wine.

♥E

how to have fun at parties

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(Side Note: This is going to sound like the musings of someone terrifically stoned, who is in bed eating a Wal-Mart brand snack mix while watching “Breaking Bad” but having to keep rewinding it because they’re ironically too high to get it, but I swear I am not stoned. Seriously.)

There’s a super obvious answer to this: get drunk. But sometimes, you don’t want to hit that level of inebriation or even drink. Like when you’re already feeling nauseous, or you’re pregnant (yikes), or you’re allergic, or someone is paying you not to. Yeah those are pretty much the only situations where you wouldn’t want to drink at a party.

When you’re caught in this scenario, you poor soul, what do you do to keep things interesting? I have a few ideas.

Make things up about your life. It’s not lying if you’re joking inside! Here’s some answers I’ve used in the past to the annoying question “What do you do?”

-“In the summer I’m Meg Ryan’s assistant. I mostly get her lattes and dry cleaning and go with her to parties. Helps her feel young again.”

-“I work at a zoo.” (“Doing what?”) “Animal stuff.”

Instagram shit out of everything. I’m so into Instagram (follow me @emmalane3) By taking all kinds of shitty artsy photos, you force yourself to have fun and make everyone following you see how much fun you’re having. I swear you won’t be the only asshole on Instagram at whatever party you’re at. And who cares? You’re breezy!

Take over the music. When you’re a host, it’s terribly annoying when someone starts hijacking your ipod/music player/DJ/string quartet. BUT as a guest there is nothing more annoying than shitty music. Play something you KNOW everyone secretly loves. Like anything Wu-Tang. Really.

Think “would this make a good story?” if the answer is yes, do it. Standing around awkwardly and not speaking to anyone does not make a good story.

♥E

standing in the hurricane (or blizzard)

Δ If the news of classes being cancelled tomorrow had not occurred yesterday- this week would have been an insignificant blip in my life. On Monday night, I couldn’t sleep. I lay in bed staring at my phone, playing solitaire, and engaging in more unhealthy online shopping.  Tuesday night, the same thing. I was awake for a solid 48 hours. I felt like a fucking zombie. I think I was beginning to become delusional within those 48 something hours. I sat in my political science class writing furiously, formulating how the rules of fight club could subliminally apply to peaceful global government control. I filed my taxes that night. And made 20 something origami envelopes that I made for valentines – made on sleepless Tuesday night. The more tired I am, the more productive I become. But now I’m back on track and feel like I jumped through some manic activity hoops.

Here’s some No Doubt to clear your mind of all the weather drama:

♥E