wonky advice part 1

1. The quickest way to feel better about yourself is to throw some clothes on, go outside, and look around! Have you seen the scary monsters out there?! They’re WAY fatter and uglier than you! See?! Don’t you feel better already?! You’re welcome!

2. Keep it loose. Except your downstairs business. Keep that tight at all times.

3. Lets face it: every time a guy comes out of the bathroom, you can be sure he’s just held his dick and hasn’t washed his hands.

4. Do not floss in front of people! This includes strangers and especially the person you’re in like* with.

5. When you DO floss, be cautious of crinkling your eyes at the same time! This is where it all starts people! the downward, aging, spiral! It IS possible to floss/maintain your oral hygiene and AVOID premature aging at the same time, I promise. just be conscious!

 6. Finish every bottle of water you open in one sitting. OR AT LEAST THE SAME DAY! None of this leaving it around, sitting in the sun for days nonsense. especially if you’re sharing it with the person/people your sex(t)ing! gross! Let me get this straight; you’re sharing AND letting the plastic water bottles rim sit there tasting like dick, bad breath, and hopefully (if you even practice safe sex) condom ooze? Disgusting! What a messy, train-wreck of a lifestyle you’re leading! This is a bacterial recipe for disaster! Do what you will, they’re your insides I’m trying to salvage…and maybe even your LIFE!

7. At some point, just stop caring if people like you. I’m not saying ‘be an asshole’ or ‘go out of your way to be a dick’. Just don’t do/say things JUST because you want to sway someone into liking you. Because I’m done. I think.

8. Don’t let people being a dick or bitch to you ruin your whole day. Move on. Next! Unless you totally deserved it. In which case, you’ll get yours.

9. If you can’t PHYSICALLY protect yourself, you sure as hell better be able to throw a vibe!

10. Even if you WEREN’T, it’s probably not the best sign when your therapist keeps saying “Are you SURE you weren’t molested?”

*Way off the verge of being in love with but almost kind of certain that maybe someday or in a month or two you could be in love with.

 ♥ E

How To Succeed (If I Had To Make A Guess)

This blog is for entertainment purposes only. Now and then I like to share some advice or tongue-in-cheek wisdom and if you get something out of that I think that’s fantastic. But I don’t really know anything. One BIG thing that I do NOT know how to do is be successful. If I were successful then I wouldn’t be the dear struggling naïve young adult that I am. And to the reader who emailed me — I’m really not Kate Mara.

Back when I used to take Ambien, I would get hit by my brain’s obsession of spiraling my thoughts around in my head as I was trying to drift off to sleep. This is why I don’t take Ambien anymore. I would also talk very loud in my sleep. That’s another good reason not to take ambien. Once in my half-awake/half-asleep dreamlike place, I wrote a list titled:

HOW TO BE SUCCESSFUL

*SIDE NOTE: I found this in my old notebook and my handwriting at the time was not very legible.

1. GET A TWIN! (Yes, I really did think this was a good idea, and no; I have no idea what it means either.)
2. GET PEOPLE TO CALL OTHER PEOPLE FOR ME, LIKE THEY WORK FOR ME. (???I don’t know where I was going with this???)
3. Hasgbjahg Fgsfs— (the writing got kind of difficult to read here.)

Listen, I don’t recommend doing anything on this list in the great name of success. And I think that deep down, I’m afraid of success, which is why I don’t attempt it. What if I actually do really well in life? Then what? I know, it’s weird, it’s like a Joaquin Phoenix complex or something.

But I think I have some general ideas as to how to be successful:

1. Do something that scares you. By which I mean, do NOT inject poison into your eyes or put caterpillars on your face, but rather do something outside of your comfort zone because it will help you grow.

2. Don’t beat yourself up when you fuck up. Because it’s over with. If you could go back in time and change it, you would, and you know you would. Let that be enough. Realize that there is an ocean of time ahead of you that will give you many chances to not fuck up.

3. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. If you don’t ask for help then the answer is always “NO.”

4. Don’t be too polite. Do NOT be a miserable bitch. Do NOT throw hot coffee in peoples’ faces. DO NOT slash someones’ tires. What I mean by this is basically, stand up for yourself! The only one who can be your biggest defender is you. Unless you’re in court, then I would seriously get a lawyer. You never represent yourself, that’s Law & Order Rule #1. (Rule #2? “When I left, she was still alive!”). Eleanor Roosevelt once said something like, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” That unlikely historically famous feminist bitch was right! So when someone does you a favor say “Thank you” and move on. SAYING “THANK YOU” ONCE IS PLENTY IF YOU MEAN IT. Remember, desperation makes people nervous!

5. Don’t compare your progress to someone else’s. This one is hard for me because, as we all know, I am super jealous. If I were a super hero, jealousy would be my superpower. And what a dumb superpower, it wouldn’t even be able to help anyone! It’s tempting to want to look at Phoebe Caulfield and say, “Wow, Phoebe Caulfield  is doing everything right and I’m not” and then to cry about it, but don’t! Because for everything that Phoebe Caulfield has, there’s something YOU have that SHE doesn’t. There always is! Because if she didn’t…SHE’D BE YOU. DID I JUST BLOW YOUR EFFING MIND? Really though, we’re all doing our best in this world and some people get there faster than others, but we all get there. Again, just look at the odds! Odds are by the time you die you’ll have done something great in your life! Even Phil Spector, who is now sitting in jail for murder, still changed music forever!! Woah!!

I’ll stop there for now. Decide to be successful! And just holler if you need me. I’m so much better at giving my advice than taking my advice.

♥E

shut. up.

I don’t know what’s going on with me lately, or if this is something I’ve always done and haven’t noticed until recently, BUT I CAN’T SHUT THE FUCK UP. By which I mean, if you engage me, I will go on tangents like they’re a free trip to Paris. If I’m introduced to a group, I am shy, unless I start drinking or unless you engage me. And if you engage me, watch the fuck out. You know those movies where there’s that cool quirky girl that is fascinating? Or is supposed to be, but actually she’s not quirky, she just has no filter and won’t shut the fuck up?

HI!!!!!!!!

A few days ago I was at a dinner and I felt the need to tell this guy about myself, but 90% of what I told him was totally unnecessary and not remotely interesting. Example:

DUDE: What do you do?

ME: Oh I work in retail – at this surf/skate shop on Main Street in the summer, but besides being a full time student I guess I’m also a writer, I mean sort of, I have this blog, wait here’s my card! I don’t mean to be weird it’s just I have these cards and I really like them but I’m trying to get rid of them because I should have gotten them glossy but I didn’t, so now I want to get them glossy but I should give these out first. But you seem really cool so I actually really want you to have my card. (Takes out card, gives it to guy. Guys says card is cool, thus making the mistake of engaging me further.) So yeah, I have this blog, it’s about life, relationships, being in college, anything that young adults (I guess?) are experiencing right now, and living around here, but I don’t really know, so I do that, and I sometimes blog for other sites. I wanted to change my picture in the “About Me” section on my blog, so I took a picture and I wasn’t crazy about my hair at first, but I don’t know, I always have issues with my hair. I just got my bangs trimmed.

YES. ALL HE ASKED ME WAS WHAT I DO.

Dan, if you’re reading this, thank you for not punching me in the face.

There’s a fine line between Annie Hall and Annie, Get Your Gun And Shoot Yourself In The Face. Oh my God, these puns, I’m like Carrie Bradshaw. I mean I think she’s alright, but she had some pretty bad puns. Isn’t it weird how she’s such a big cultural figure that she’s become more famous than Sarah Jessica Parker?

AND THERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER TANGENT.

I guess most of my blog is tangents, but I hope that they’re somewhat related to each other, like some weird inbred family. It’s just that my brain is constantly rambling with incidents and things that I shouldn’t say out loud, but actually most of the time it works out. Something that you would say to a normal person would get you slapped but maybe it’s because I’m charming or because I hang out with awesome people, but they get it. They go with it. If they don’t go with it, it’s awkward. It’s usually awkward either way, but it’s especially awkward when someone is on a totally different wavelength. It’s like what do you talk about? You talk about Facebook.

Facebook has replaced weather as the default conversation topic.

It’s sad but true?

I don’t know, I’m just going to shut up and drink my wine.

♥E

I’m breezy

“Don’t ever tell anybody anything. If you do you start missing everybody.” – J.D Salinger via Holden Caulfield

People often ask me, “What’s your blog about?” I usually say something like, “Oh, it’s about 5 girls blogging about  what it’s like being a girl in the world, blah, blah, blah.” But really, I don’t fucking know what this blog is about. What I do know is that people read it.

Lately I’ve been much calmer and easy going. Look how breezy I am! A guy asked me. “How are you so breezy? Can I too be breezy?” Just kidding, he didn’t ask me that. It went more like this: “Why don’t you let yourself be affected by things that you should be affected by?” (Translation: “Why are you such a cold-hearted bitch?”) Why? Because I’ve been conditioned to be like this. Ever since I was in my first relationship, I learned the more you show your true emotions and desires the less wanted you become. This is not true for everyone, obviously. But somehow I learned to shake things off and move on. When relationships or these little insignificant temporary relationships I’ve been having lately come to an end, I move the fuck on. I just know I’m making the other person more powerful by clinging on to the thought of being with them. So I just go on with my life and be breezy and what have you.

It’s so much easier said than done.

I just know if I become emotional in these situations, my day will end with me drunk and alone in my room, eating soggy french fries, and watching bad TV at 2 in the morning.

SIDE NOTE:

If you are on facebook and you are in a relationship you need to put that shit on your profile.

If you have a girlfriend you need to click the little button that says “In a relationship.”

It takes two seconds and saves heartache.

ANOTHER SIDE NOTE: Even Patrick fucking Bateman took women out on dates.

 ♥E

thoughts from the middle

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I’m a girl – so yes I’m going to express my natural womanly inclination to this – I haven’t had a boyfriend (if you’d even call it that, it was 9th grade, where the extent of a date was going to a movie with some kid sitting in between the two of you – TRUE STORY) since 09’. I was in the kind of relationship where when it’s over you reflect on it and get the same feeling you get when watching HGTV. The only relationships I’ve been engaging myself in since then, are these short lived period occasions of making out with someone in their room and “watching a movie”. Just a note, in my opinion – any first kind of date that involves watching a movie “at your place” is tacky.  It’s just code for “my hopes for tonight are that maybe you put you hand really close to my fly.” Everyone and their grandpa Fergeson knows that.

But the only thing that gets to me about this, is how much effort I put into maintaining these temporary bonds. I shoot my ambitions too high, recognizing it too late. It’s like getting french fries with no ketchup or anything and still eating it.

Nonetheless, I’m still breezy as hell.

*Side note: when you can summarize your love life with any kind of food, there’s trouble. 

bbbrrreeeeeeezzzyyy

♥E