Rock Bottom

I’ve made a lot of mistakes with my love life recently, but last night I think I hit my new low. I may say that after every slightly unsuccessful event, but I really mean it this time.

Let me explain.

I went to a party. Not just any kind of party, the kind of party that inspired excitement when I prepared to go to college. The one where theater and music majors all get drunk and dance like idiots to bands you’ve never heard of, as well as LOTS of Beyoncé. I was on cloud 9.I even saw some attractive men.

Of course, one of the very few cons about this type of college party is that you can never be 100% sure if that well-groomed and well-dressed man is gay or not.

The night went on, 12…1…2 a.m. Most people left, but how could I leave?! There was more Beyoncé to dance to!

My friend and I went outside to smoke (something I have not done in two months. In case you’re wondering, my heart was not thanking me in the morning), and started singing with this guy out of nowhere. BECAUSE THOSE ARE THE KINDS OF THINGS THAT HAPPENS AT THESE PARTIES. We bonded over our favorite band, and I thought he was cute.

In my drunken state of mind, I decided to go to his place with my friends to listen to the band’s cd. I dragged them there of course, and did not pick up on their cues that this might not be the best idea. It ended up being okay at first. We ran around the streets, and my good, feminist friend and I started yelling about sexual liberation at 3 a.m.

Then we listened to the album (seriously listen to Lake Street Dive’s Bad Self portraits) and I kept hoping that my friends would get the hint and leave. But, being the good friends that they are, they did not leave me alone with a strange man until they could trust him. Just some piece of advice: find those friends in your life. They will be there for you even when you don’t want them to be.

We stayed up until 6 a.m. Seriously 6 AM! I slept on the couch while he flirted with my friend, and eventually asked her upstairs to his room.

I should note that my friend is amazing, well they all are, and she didn’t do anything because she knew I liked him. Sure, we weren’t meant to be. He called everyone bro. But she told me it broke the ‘girl code’. Like I said: my friends are the best.

At first, I was heart broken. Then I got over it. Then got a bit sad, but eventually found my rational side.

This is all a surprise to me too, because my hormones were through the roof at that point.

But after they went upstairs, before she left as well, I walked home.

During the time I walked back across the empty campus in last night’s clothes with two thoughts:

1) How sad and lonely was I to stay at some guys place until 6 am, just to have someone to potentially fall asleep next to?

2) Did people think that I was completing some walk of shame (or as a dear friend of mine calls it, ‘the G-spot trot’)?

The answer to the first one was very. I was very lonely, very sad. I AM very sad. Not in every aspect of my life, in fact I’m usually optimistic, but I’m sad with my love life at least.

However, as I stretched my legs, I watched the sunrise and experienced some rare, warm weather. I felt my shame slip away. Don’t get me wrong, I still regret sticking around for so long, and it was a lesson learned. I learned that I can’t let my need for some companionship get in the way of my better judgment. I knew I didn’t like this guy romantically by 4 a.m., but I felt the need to hope until six.

Being single is not what I want right now. And it’s okay to feel that way. I’m not less of a feminist, or an independent woman, or anything! I want to have good sex, sure, but I also want to be with someone. A person who will watch documentaries and go to shows with me. Someone to lay around all day with.

But no one can’t force that. I let my desire for a relationship get in the way of just being myself and having fun with people. I bet if I just didn’t give a shit for one second, I would meet someone I could be with. Who knows.

So from now on, I will loosen up and let go of my preconceived notions of dating. I’ve had my bad luck with men in the past, and I let myself fall for guys who don’t appreciate me. That’s done.

There really is nothing like a 6 a.m. walk to clear the mind though. This song inspired me during my stroll, so maybe, if you’re experiencing this as well, it will help you.

Cheers,
Chloe

Lions and tigers and bears

Coming to the end of this academic year has been an eye opener for me. I can say with confidence that I never doubted any of my decisions in my life until this year. I saw every goal or ambition as certain, I thought of myself with a superman mind frame, throwing my caution to the wind and doing what I wanted. It’s maddening how much you can change in one year. I had thought I had myself figured out pretty well until a few months ago, I guess I wasn’t far off but the person I realized I wanted to be was not the person I was. This year has been less about learning how to bullshit my way through philosophy and mastering the art of sleeping in lectures. I have learned so many things about why I do the things I do. I have picked up on patterns, bad choices I just cant stop making. I’m not sure if anyone else knows what I am talking about or can relate. I have found out that the easy way is never best. I’m not usually one to be afraid of things, I mean I’m not a huge fan of spiders or heights but I’m not afraid of them. The one thing that I am afraid of though, is fucking up my life. I never was one to second-guess the certainty of anything, now I find myself second-guessing myself silently when I’m looking back on important choices. But I have recently come to see that the uncertainty in life is what makes it worth it. No one can pretend to be invincible forever, it’s impossible. To fully experience anything there must be vulnerability. I think it’s the hardest thing for people of our time to do. It sucks because I am no longer a kid, I have to make a plan, figure out what I am going to do after college. The only thing for me to do is find comfort in the uncertainty of the certain plan I had mapped out for myself and take all the hard roads, learn all my lessons and hope that will be enough.

Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!

dueces

By Jess Dupon

what an awful saying, but this is awful, so it’s awfully fitting.

it was conveniently raining today. after peeling myself out of bed at 12:30 to go use my food swipes for as many convenient to-go meals as i could, i decided to shell up in my room and finish my readings and typing my notes for my midterm tomorrow while realizing i’de been blocking out all the other stuff for tomorrow too.

hate it….love it….no definitely hate it. 

not smoking is nice because i strayed dry but awful in every other way because it would really help right now. 

i’ve been eating lots of chocolate to deal with this. like a lot…chips ahoy, doves, hot chocolate, peanut m&ms…i called my mom and she called me a bitch on the phone. i was totally being a bitch. i feel like i’m PMSing but i don’t PMS (i’m a lucky bitch) and this would be absolutely maddening to go through on a MONTHLY basis!?!?!

day two realization: not smoking makes me scared of getting PMS. 

simple math.

By Camille Louise

&

The world freaks me out. The amount of people who are so similar in a variety of aspects freaks me out. I wonder how many other people in the world are drinking iced tea right now like I am. I really wonder how many people are writing about how it also freaks them out that other people are doing the same things as them right now.

Within the time it took you to read those first couple sentences, somebody was murdered, so be happy that it wasn’t you,

i am surrounded by people doing things at different places and paces, passing time.

i could write a book called 365 days with jess…

By Jess

Every day is genuine in it’s own regard. Each and every day.

I decided to go on a weekend excursion with a friend filled prospects of reality television and shooting shotguns. We, three’s company, snuggling in a water bed drinking tea.

Driving home in snowstorms and spinning out of control in a sketchy slip.  Our hazards and headlights beamed into the eyes of the oncoming drivers while we composed on the side of the highway. It was okay, we didn’t speak, we knew it was fine. driving in the snow is scary. A good samaritan decided to pull over and appeal to unspoken prayers. She guided us to turn out and pull back along the road, “Thank you, you’re so kind!” we screamed out my open window as, yes, i lit a cigarette.

I came home exhausted and just wanted to read for fun and avoid all my scholarly duties. I woke up and wrote some sunken thoughts on Stevens and went to class to debate whether his melodic, colorful vocabulary and phrasing can overcome the ambiguity to meaning. then, I raced home to eat egg sandwiches: two eggs- less bread. I wrote my interview en français about Babar the Elephant qui aime les légumes et les raisins et porte toujours son costume vert. I went to four more classes, all very uneventful.

For dinner, i ordered really good pasta. I paid too much to have it delivered but I was deflated and exhausted, and I still tipped on top of it.

Someone asked if i was pregnant, which no, I am not. I got a great laugh starting deep in the pit of my belly and erupting again with every sideways glance at a smirking best friend. I lose five pounds and all of the sudden I’m pregnant. I should stop this whole baby obsession thing on facebook with my gender ambiguous best friend “sam” and stop posting fast food preggo stomach pics, but they’re #sofunny