do-over

There comes that point in every woman’s life where she abruptly declares, “I hate men. I’m becoming a lesbian”, is where I’ve face planted in my life right now. I’m not actually becoming a lesbian. But what I am deciding to do is something I’ve never done but have been advised to do so for several years. I’m going to focus on me. I’m always so enthralled in the midst of occupying myself in trying to make someone else happy and meet their needs and demands, all while I neglect my own feelings and needs until they reach their limit and erupt, resulting in me crying into a bowl of Cheerios at 2 A.M. It is a viscous cycle.

But nobody else but me can break the cycle. Which is where me working on things about myself that need to be changed finds itself involved. Sometimes it’s not the other person who needs to change, it’s you. As much as I hate to admit it, there’s quite a few things I really like about myself that I would never change. But then there’s so many things I want to fix. Like how tense I am sometimes.

Being tense is a specialty of mine. It’s weird because most of the time I’m pretty laid-back but when I would most like to be easy going is when I’m at my most nervous state of being. I want to believe in myself but I let life get in the way. I try to plan everything out. I try not to psych myself up. But I think it’s back firing. I just want to have unwavering belief in myself. Do you have any idea how hard that is? To block out all of the “logical” reasons why something won’t work out for you and to focus instead on how great you are and how everything is going to work out somehow? You know who’s really good at doing that? Kanye West.

God, I love Kanye West.

But screw everything else. Anything about myself that I can control is changeable. That’s it. I’m in one of the primes of my life right now. I shouldn’t be wasting it on petty things that in 5 years will make me say “Why the hell was I so anxious about that?” I should be spending it by being my breezy self, getting hammered all the time, sleeping around, and making bad decisions. Jokes of course. But being breezy and the whole “Ob la di ob la da, life goes on” is how I should be doing things.

Or you can always take the other route and fake it till ya make it.

Roll with the punches.

♥E

high heels, high hopes

»

As a woman, there’s nothing worse than that gut sinking feeling when you get your hopes up. This is something I’ve unfortunately fallen under the pattern of. Especially when it comes to dates. I’ve never been on a real date. I’ve been on “outings” with guys I’ve been involved with. What makes that different from a real date is that it usually goes something like this:

– “Hey, let’s drink champagne in my hot tub.” This is not a date. I actually once had a guy ask me if we could do that in MY hot tub. I said, “You better be bringing the fucking champagne.” He didn’t. HOT TUB DATE OVER.

– “Me and my friends are going to grab pizza, you’re welcome to come but we’re all paying separately” – Usually I’d say yes to this one but now no. I’d rather put on alot of massacara, sit on the floor, and pretend Im Naomi Watts in 21 Grams and then start sobbing until my make up is a mess.

– “Hey, wanna watch a movie at my place?” NO. This is not a date either. This is guy code for making out on a couch and not paying attention to the movie.

It all just sucks. Especially when earlier I blow dried my hair, put on that Russian rouge MAC lipstick I save for special occasions, and SHAVED – so my beforehand thought was “this better be good.”

God, imagine how I’m going to feel when I’m forty.

This is how a date with Fred Astaire goes.

♥E

Side note: this doesn’t refer to you (you know who you are), so calm the fuck down, even though you pretend you don’t care, but you totally do, because all anyone wants is to be flattered, especially on the Internet.