THIS IS THE KEY TO YOUR HAPPINESS.

(HEY, it’s me!) 

Slowly I’m figuring my way as the summer ends. 

I’ve gone on great dates, made new friends, and explored the city. For the first time today I biked to the beach, well for the first time in a long time anyway. I took a swim and soaked up some sun- now I’m starting to let my little insecurities fade away. 

I’m finding out life is all about the details. For me, right now, anyway. 

Life isn’t about the disappointments, canceled plans, or lonely Saturday nights. It’s about the scenic bike rides; the zucchini’s your friends grow in their garden; the text from your friends saying they miss you. 

Life is about the great playlists you’ve made. Happiness hides in the city skyline from the train and the coast line on the drive home later that night. 

Lately I’ve been focusing on the trips to Farmer’s Markets and that okay. Sure, I’ve been lonely and missing every routine I’ve grown accustomed to in the last 4 years, but this is an exciting time. I’m trying to enjoy it. 

wonky advice part 1

1. The quickest way to feel better about yourself is to throw some clothes on, go outside, and look around! Have you seen the scary monsters out there?! They’re WAY fatter and uglier than you! See?! Don’t you feel better already?! You’re welcome!

2. Keep it loose. Except your downstairs business. Keep that tight at all times.

3. Lets face it: every time a guy comes out of the bathroom, you can be sure he’s just held his dick and hasn’t washed his hands.

4. Do not floss in front of people! This includes strangers and especially the person you’re in like* with.

5. When you DO floss, be cautious of crinkling your eyes at the same time! This is where it all starts people! the downward, aging, spiral! It IS possible to floss/maintain your oral hygiene and AVOID premature aging at the same time, I promise. just be conscious!

 6. Finish every bottle of water you open in one sitting. OR AT LEAST THE SAME DAY! None of this leaving it around, sitting in the sun for days nonsense. especially if you’re sharing it with the person/people your sex(t)ing! gross! Let me get this straight; you’re sharing AND letting the plastic water bottles rim sit there tasting like dick, bad breath, and hopefully (if you even practice safe sex) condom ooze? Disgusting! What a messy, train-wreck of a lifestyle you’re leading! This is a bacterial recipe for disaster! Do what you will, they’re your insides I’m trying to salvage…and maybe even your LIFE!

7. At some point, just stop caring if people like you. I’m not saying ‘be an asshole’ or ‘go out of your way to be a dick’. Just don’t do/say things JUST because you want to sway someone into liking you. Because I’m done. I think.

8. Don’t let people being a dick or bitch to you ruin your whole day. Move on. Next! Unless you totally deserved it. In which case, you’ll get yours.

9. If you can’t PHYSICALLY protect yourself, you sure as hell better be able to throw a vibe!

10. Even if you WEREN’T, it’s probably not the best sign when your therapist keeps saying “Are you SURE you weren’t molested?”

*Way off the verge of being in love with but almost kind of certain that maybe someday or in a month or two you could be in love with.

 ♥ E

on the bleachers

You may have noticed that I have not posted about myself in a while. I’ve vaguely mentioned that a lot has happened in my life recently. I’m not going to get into all of it, but I’ll tell you this.

It’s always been way easier for me to be a negative person than a positive one, and I think that could be true for most people, but I probably only think that because I’m used to being a negative person.

Q: How many negative people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Fuck it, we’re screwed.

Kanye West once said, “I’m so gifted at finding what I don’t like the most” and I really resonated with that. I am incredibly gifted at finding what I don’t like the most in any situation. And if things are going poorly? I’m ready to flee the scene and resort to my parents helping me out.

My negativity has affected friendships and relationships, so it’s definitely something I’m changing. I’m changing it by tuning up my habitual negative response. So when I feel like things are going poorly, instead of reflecting on that, I try to focus on what I have, even if it’s a small thing or total duh thing. For example, I have all my limbs. And this isn’t me being a sarcastic bitch, I am honestly grateful for my limbs. I’m currently working a position that requires all my motor functions, so it’s pretty sweet that I have arms and hands, and I like my legs. Even if I have to start there, that’s where I’ll start.

I’m also ready to change my verbal response when I get questions like, “How have you been?” Instead of saying, “Just dealing with the crushing anxiety in the pit of my stomach every day” I say things like, “I’ve been doing well, how are you?”

Is it a lie to say you’re doing well when you’re not, or is it just positive thinking?? I don’t think of it as a lie, I think of it as reinforcing the positive. If I say things are good, maybe I’ll believe that they’re good. And, again, I have all my limbs.

So, if you’re like me, you need to get your shit together. Your friends and loved ones are gonna get real tired of your complaining, if they haven’t already — and guess what, they have. From this moment onward, you need to focus on the good things you have in your life, even if it’s just “I like my hair” or “There’s a new episode of my favorite show on tonight.” It’s okay to start small. You just have to start.

Embrace the good. There’s a lot of it, if you stop being a whining jerk. Remember: life doesn’t owe you anything. It’s up to you to make the best out of life. This year is going to go by whether you do something positive or not. So do positive things, make positive changes, and be positively upbeat that it’s going to work out for you, even if you can’t see the path. Just grab a flashlight and keep walking.

 ♥ E

~

QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE

abenaki tower

 

what I’ve learned in the past year

In a nutshell…

It is better to be someone’s priority than to be their option.
Lots of things suck, but they’re balanced by lots of things that don’t suck.
People will disappoint you. It’s up to you to decide how disappointed you want to be.
When something feels wrong, it’s wrong.
Trust your gut. As women, we’re made to feel silly for trusting our gut, and that’s total bullshit.
You don’t have to know the answers to everything, or even half of everything.
Showing up can be the hardest thing to do.
To quote Maya Angelou, for the millionth time, “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” It’s a lesson I’m still learning, but I’ll get it right one day.
If he doesn’t text back, he’s probably not interested.
What’s really important to you may not even blip on someone else’s radar. We only see a small fraction of other peoples’ lives. So calm down.
It’s only scary if you make it scary.
Laziness is an abhorrent trait.
Waking up sucks, but you’ll get more done if you wake up earlier rather than later. So just wake up earlier. Drink some coffee. Or take some amphetamines, whatever gets your train rolling.
You can’t rush into your next relationship. It happens when you’re not trying. Because that’s when you’re free.
You have to do the best with what you have. No excuses.
Excuses are weaknesses served as reasons. They’re not reasons.
Wine is never a bad idea.

♥ E

I am never going to be Mick Jagger

Disclaimer up front, right here, right now: I’M QUITE AWARE THAT THIS IS SUPER CLICHE/PREDICTABLE/CHEESY/WHATEVER. I’m almost as celibate as a priest and I spent my weekend writing essays and studying for quizzes and I haven’t been able to vent to anyone about anything.

I’m going to make a conscious effort, right here and now, to stop giving myself an ulcer. I am not past Emma or future Emma; I am present Emma. I can’t just sit back and let Future Emma take care of everything and I can’t blame Past Emma for everything. If I keep it up at this rate I’m going to wind up like F. Scott Fitzgerald but without the talent or the career. I’ll probably just end up some poor drunk who dies of a massive heart attack. Or I’ll wind up like Zelda and I’ll go crazy and die in some hospital fire. I’m not sure which death is worse. At least F. Scott was probably wearing a fancy corduroy blazer with elbow patches.

Every time I want to skip past this part of my life or let my breeze wander to another time I am going to take a deep breath to remind myself that I am here now and alive now. One day, God-willing, I will be old and I will wish that I were in my place right now, typing this, worried about my future career and lack of love. Then I will really want to kick Past Emma’s ass. But then I won’t have learned my lesson. Even talking about it now clearly proves that I haven’t learned how to live in the moment. I am never going to be Keith Richards. I am never going to be Scarlett Johansson or Kourtney Kardashian. I am never going to be Dolores del Rio. I am never going to be Portia de Rossi. I am never going to be Chelsea Handler. I am never going to be Steve McQueen or even Paul Newman. But I will get to be me. I will get to be Emma. So I’m going to honor that and I’m going to try and let that mean something.

I believe that “Let It Bleed” is the best Stones album. I can’t stop listening to “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.” How many times in your life have you heard this song? In how many movies, TV shows, and Coke commercials have you heard it playing in the background? I still wonder what the hell does this song actually mean? When has Mick Jagger not ever gotten what he wanted? Did he want the private jet last minute but could only get first-class commercial? And am I a hopeless teenager at heart for thinking I can apply this song to my own life?

No matter. If I can’t get what I want, I’ll find a way to get what I need. Not what I’ll settle for, mind you. There’s a difference between getting what you need and getting what you can get. I’ll get what I need. Seriously, this song and that song “You’re the Best” by Joe Esposito from the Karate Kid in the montage scene, has made a shift in my thinking right now-  I’m going to be genuinely happy for people, and anyone who isn’t happy for me doesn’t deserve to be in my life!
Nothing’s gonna ever keep me dow-ow-ow-ow-own! (That was so corny, I’m sorry – but I did warn you.)

I’m going to start enjoying this weird and awkward time in my life the way mothers love their weird and awkward preteen children.

♥ E

P.S. I’m heading to NYC for the weekend and leave for Montana next week! I’ll be back in two weeks. *