everything sucks. but it’s gonna be okay

χ Good news, everyone! I suck at everything! I want to cry and throw things and scream and laugh all at the same time, but I can’t. And you know why? Because I suck!

I usually talk about how even when things suck you have to find a way out because the more you say and believe they suck, the more they will.

EVERYTHING SUCKS I DON’T CARE, COME AT ME UNIVERSE. WITH YOUR MAGIC SUNSETS. I DARE YOU. Throw a sunset in my face, see if I give a fuck. I don’t. Spoiler alert GONE because I just said it. I DON’T CARE.

How many times have I written that it’s okay to feel bad and it’s okay to suck as long as you realize it and then you can rise above it? So why can’t I? I am terrible at taking my own advice.

It’s so much easier to suck at everything than to try hard at anything.

The frightening truth is that I am not sure if I am happy or okay with myself, and I may never be. I was drifting along, like a plastic bag in the Cape Cod Canal, when I felt insecurity and uncertainty slowly pulse throughout my veins. For myself. People are like, “Shut up, so many people have been in your position and it has all worked out.” and I’m like, “So what who cares” and they’re like “You’re acting like a child” and I’m like “Nuh uh I’m an adult” and then my mom hangs up the phone.

WILL SOMEBODY TELL ME EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY?

In the meantime I’m starting at a nearby community college AND trying get my shit together at the same time. I take one step forward and two distractive steps back. It’s hard! It’s hard you guys! And what’s the point, anyway? Who cares? “I would rather watch somebody buy their underwear than read a book they wrote.” – Andy Warhol (true story).

There are so many people out there who are so much better than I am. And by better, I mean famous.

Guys life is hard. These are worse than all of those “White Girl Problems”.

♥E

PS. I have a band crush on White Denim right now.

How to fake having ‘it’ together

They say fake it ‘till you make it. Some things you should not fake:

Being a doctor
Flying an airplane
Assuring everyone at the table that you know how much each person owes for dinner plus tax and tip
Other than that, go for it. It’s not lying if you believe it.

From now on, you no longer “hang out.” You have business meetings. Getting together with a friend for coffee? Business meeting.

Mom buying you lunch? Business meeting.

Phone call with your therapist? Business call.

What’s a business meeting anyway, really? As long as
you accomplished something – anything – in a set amount of time, you’re taking care of business.

Post non-braggy updates on Facebook. Here’s an example.

DO:
Psyched to be writing for Cool New Web Blog Everyone Loves (like Boots & Bisous) Will try not to suck too hard. Thanks to everyone for reading my stuff!

DO NOT:
Wow, totally overwhelmed and just brimming with joy that I was asked out of millions of people to write exclusively for Cool Blog Everyone Loves. I know I’m gonna hit it out of the park!!! You guys, please retweet and Facebook share everything I write. It’s really important, I need to keep this going, I am doing so great everything is awesome, I can’t wait to text my BFF Jonah Hill about this!!!!

Sometimes I see all the great things my friends are doing and I feel really good for them. Sometimes I see all the great things my “who the fuck are these people, did we even meet” friends are doing and I feel really annoyed. But if you’re using Facebook and you’re not planning to quit anytime soon, stop the “ugh can’t believe I’m sick again and no one is hiring me and I want to die” updates and project good, confident energy.

You may be asking, “What if nothing great is happening to me?”

If nothing great is going on in your life, you make like the Price is Right Wheel and spin it.

“How are you?” someone asks at a party.

Don’t say, “I’m awful no one will hire me and my boyfriend got fat.” Say, “I’m doing pretty well, and I don’t feel like killing myself.”

If they say, “Wow, that’s horrible, my brother killed himself and I find that really offensive,” respond with, “Wow, because I was really referring to your brother just now because everything is about you and your fucking dead brother, isn’t it? Go fuck yourself.” Then steal a copy of The Great Gatsby from their house before you leave.

If the party isn’t at their house, follow them home. Wait until they go to sleep. Break in. Find their copy of The Great Gatsby. Take it. Everyone has a copy of The Great Gatsby. If you don’t, it’s because I stole it.

But that’s not important right now. My point is that people don’t need to know what’s really happening in your life, especially if it bums you out, because why share what makes you sad? Find the brightest side and go with it. You’re faking it until you feel it, remember?

“What do you do for a living?” they may ask you. “Nothing, I can’t get a job and I complain about that on my blog” = “I’m a freelance writer until I find something I really want to commit to.”

You have to take those moments when panic and fear slap you across your face and block them with your fake confidence. Picture your confidence as your personal bodyguard.

Also, next time you want to cry, laugh instead. Laugh because of how absurd it is. “Why yes, MINI dealership, of course I have $8,000 to spend on a new transmission and labor costs for my 2006 MINI Cooper.”

Just kidding, are you fucking kidding me? If I had $8,000 to spend on a 2006 MINI Cooper, I wouldn’t even have a 2006 MINI Cooper in the first place. I would have 6 regular Coopers instead. Oh really? You don’t appreciate my sarcasm? I don’t appreciate you FUCKING ME. What, you think because you’re a dealership I’m gonna do whatever you say? You think I’m Miley and I’m just gonna twerk up against you? You can go twerk yourself.

Then hang up and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.

❤ E

do-over

There comes that point in every woman’s life where she abruptly declares, “I hate men. I’m becoming a lesbian”, is where I’ve face planted in my life right now. I’m not actually becoming a lesbian. But what I am deciding to do is something I’ve never done but have been advised to do so for several years. I’m going to focus on me. I’m always so enthralled in the midst of occupying myself in trying to make someone else happy and meet their needs and demands, all while I neglect my own feelings and needs until they reach their limit and erupt, resulting in me crying into a bowl of Cheerios at 2 A.M. It is a viscous cycle.

But nobody else but me can break the cycle. Which is where me working on things about myself that need to be changed finds itself involved. Sometimes it’s not the other person who needs to change, it’s you. As much as I hate to admit it, there’s quite a few things I really like about myself that I would never change. But then there’s so many things I want to fix. Like how tense I am sometimes.

Being tense is a specialty of mine. It’s weird because most of the time I’m pretty laid-back but when I would most like to be easy going is when I’m at my most nervous state of being. I want to believe in myself but I let life get in the way. I try to plan everything out. I try not to psych myself up. But I think it’s back firing. I just want to have unwavering belief in myself. Do you have any idea how hard that is? To block out all of the “logical” reasons why something won’t work out for you and to focus instead on how great you are and how everything is going to work out somehow? You know who’s really good at doing that? Kanye West.

God, I love Kanye West.

But screw everything else. Anything about myself that I can control is changeable. That’s it. I’m in one of the primes of my life right now. I shouldn’t be wasting it on petty things that in 5 years will make me say “Why the hell was I so anxious about that?” I should be spending it by being my breezy self, getting hammered all the time, sleeping around, and making bad decisions. Jokes of course. But being breezy and the whole “Ob la di ob la da, life goes on” is how I should be doing things.

Or you can always take the other route and fake it till ya make it.

Roll with the punches.

♥E

I’m breezy

“Don’t ever tell anybody anything. If you do you start missing everybody.” – J.D Salinger via Holden Caulfield

People often ask me, “What’s your blog about?” I usually say something like, “Oh, it’s about 5 girls blogging about  what it’s like being a girl in the world, blah, blah, blah.” But really, I don’t fucking know what this blog is about. What I do know is that people read it.

Lately I’ve been much calmer and easy going. Look how breezy I am! A guy asked me. “How are you so breezy? Can I too be breezy?” Just kidding, he didn’t ask me that. It went more like this: “Why don’t you let yourself be affected by things that you should be affected by?” (Translation: “Why are you such a cold-hearted bitch?”) Why? Because I’ve been conditioned to be like this. Ever since I was in my first relationship, I learned the more you show your true emotions and desires the less wanted you become. This is not true for everyone, obviously. But somehow I learned to shake things off and move on. When relationships or these little insignificant temporary relationships I’ve been having lately come to an end, I move the fuck on. I just know I’m making the other person more powerful by clinging on to the thought of being with them. So I just go on with my life and be breezy and what have you.

It’s so much easier said than done.

I just know if I become emotional in these situations, my day will end with me drunk and alone in my room, eating soggy french fries, and watching bad TV at 2 in the morning.

SIDE NOTE:

If you are on facebook and you are in a relationship you need to put that shit on your profile.

If you have a girlfriend you need to click the little button that says “In a relationship.”

It takes two seconds and saves heartache.

ANOTHER SIDE NOTE: Even Patrick fucking Bateman took women out on dates.

 ♥E