adulthood?

You see, my life consists of two quite opposing ways of living: 1. ways in which I am a Real Adult and 2. ways in which I am not a Real Adult. There are times that even I am convinced that I am on the fast track to adulthood, but then there are the inevitable setbacks. The setbacks that seem to happen every day, rather than every other month like how maybe the life of a Real Adult might actually go.

If, say, we had a month of competition and I was up against someone I consider to be a refined adult, I’d say that my standings would be as follows: Times I’m a Real Adult: 5; Times I’m Not a Real Adult: 100. I’d venture to say that my opponent would have the opposite score. And, I’m here to say that I have no goddamn clue as to whether or not I’m the winner in this competition or the loser, both for not being a real adult and for even writing out this fake ridiculous game. Either way, I think I’ve confused myself, which wouldn’t be the first time that’s happened. Today.

Now, you might be wondering to yourself, “How is Emma not like a real adult?” Or, you might be wondering to yourself, “Why is Emma pointing out this unquestionably obvious fact about herself?” I have an answer if you’re in the first camp (see: the rest of this post). If you’re in the second camp, I have a caps lock rant for you: “YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME I WASN’T A REAL ADULT. YOU COULD HAVE SAVED ME A LOT OF SOUL-SEARCHING AND SELF-HELP BOOKS AND NIGHTS AND DAYS OF WALLOWING AND CRYING.”

Well, that was embarrassing. For you, not me.

Anyway, how am I not a real adult? Let me count the ways.

Real Adult Behavior: Eats Kashi for breakfast.
Un-Adult Behavior That Cancels Out Previous Adult Behavior: Adds Rice Krispies to it. With sugar.

Real Adult: Drinks wine, instead of whiskey during the week.
Fake Adult: Drinks wine from an oversized coffee mug.

Something That Makes Me Seem Like a Real Adult: Does laundry.
Something That I Do That Strikes Previous Notion Out: Does laundry after running out of underwear.

Adult-Like Thing: Has apartment in with clothes hung up.
Seriously, Emma?:  Keeps all socks in a Sephora bag, because does not have an empty drawer.

Real Adult: Has budget.
Fake Fucking Fuck Adult: Doesn’t budget.

Awesome: Drinks smoothies.
Sucks: Only consumes blended fruits in cocktails.

Go, Me!: Takes daily multi-vitamin.
Oooh, Questionable Decision: Takes the gummy multi-vitamins for children.

Adult Win: Has gym membership for 24 Hour Fitness that is literally 7 minutes away.
Adult Fail:  Has never gone.

And now I’m done.

♥ E

The Lessons We Reteach Ourselves

When it comes to dating, I might as well be a virgin. In college I ‘hung out’ with guys (Whatever that is supposed to mean) and never got much further. Whenever I even mentioned the word dating, they ran away like a scared dog. Eventually, indirectly or directly, I was always dumped. I am a dating virgin.

So when I started to date this guy, a term we both used, I was feeling pretty good. I was starting to see some romantic and professional success! What more could a college grad want?

Then things stopped being so great, and I found myself left with cancelled plans and disappointment. After talking to my best friend/soul mate, she said the most perfect thing that only she could say, “Honeybee I’m gonna be blunt, when you want to see someone you make the effort to do so. You are too good for the run around so I’d check that guy off your list and go for someone who deserves you.”

An overwhelming feeling of love rushed into my chest, along with the lingering sense of embarrassment. This entire time I’d been questioning my opinion. I’d start off strong; you know that “I know what I deserve” speech? Then, I’d convince myself that I didn’t know how relationships work. So what if we got a week without talking? Maybe that is typical?

But what I’m (re)convincing myself, something that Hannah so clearly articulated is that everyone knows what feels right and wrong. It doesn’t matter what is ‘normal’ in a relationship; it matters what feels right. If not talking for a week made me feel under appreciated, that makes it something I shouldn’t deal with. Lately I find myself relearning lesson’s I thought I locked in two years ago. I am beginning to suspect that I may never know what is right for me, and life is going to be a mix of ups and downs. The strangest part about all of this? I’m actually excited for the roller coaster ride.

wonky advice part 1

1. The quickest way to feel better about yourself is to throw some clothes on, go outside, and look around! Have you seen the scary monsters out there?! They’re WAY fatter and uglier than you! See?! Don’t you feel better already?! You’re welcome!

2. Keep it loose. Except your downstairs business. Keep that tight at all times.

3. Lets face it: every time a guy comes out of the bathroom, you can be sure he’s just held his dick and hasn’t washed his hands.

4. Do not floss in front of people! This includes strangers and especially the person you’re in like* with.

5. When you DO floss, be cautious of crinkling your eyes at the same time! This is where it all starts people! the downward, aging, spiral! It IS possible to floss/maintain your oral hygiene and AVOID premature aging at the same time, I promise. just be conscious!

 6. Finish every bottle of water you open in one sitting. OR AT LEAST THE SAME DAY! None of this leaving it around, sitting in the sun for days nonsense. especially if you’re sharing it with the person/people your sex(t)ing! gross! Let me get this straight; you’re sharing AND letting the plastic water bottles rim sit there tasting like dick, bad breath, and hopefully (if you even practice safe sex) condom ooze? Disgusting! What a messy, train-wreck of a lifestyle you’re leading! This is a bacterial recipe for disaster! Do what you will, they’re your insides I’m trying to salvage…and maybe even your LIFE!

7. At some point, just stop caring if people like you. I’m not saying ‘be an asshole’ or ‘go out of your way to be a dick’. Just don’t do/say things JUST because you want to sway someone into liking you. Because I’m done. I think.

8. Don’t let people being a dick or bitch to you ruin your whole day. Move on. Next! Unless you totally deserved it. In which case, you’ll get yours.

9. If you can’t PHYSICALLY protect yourself, you sure as hell better be able to throw a vibe!

10. Even if you WEREN’T, it’s probably not the best sign when your therapist keeps saying “Are you SURE you weren’t molested?”

*Way off the verge of being in love with but almost kind of certain that maybe someday or in a month or two you could be in love with.

 ♥ E

Declined Debit Cards and Crushed Dreams

I’ll never get over the embarrassment of a declined debit card. And I’m used to getting my card declined.

In college, I was denied in grocery stores, liquor stores, even Sheetz! (For those of you who have never had the unique experience of visiting Slippery Rock, Pennsylvania, Sheetz is the lovechild of 7-Eleven and McDonalds).

So yeah, it’s not as if I’m mortified about being declined- just the way the cashier sounded. It was her tone.

I approach cashier 4 with a smile and three items from the clearance section. On top of the pile laid green, loose overalls. I saw them on the rack, thinking I’d try them on just to see how awful they looked, but in the dressing room I found they fit! I looked in the mirror thinking how great these would go with my apartment in Cambridge. Sure they were a whopping 26 bucks, but hey! I was making real money now, even if it is temporary.

The first time my card is declined I didn’t see it coming, so I ask to slide it again.

“You can try- but it was declined,” the cashier so graciously reminds me.

“I know, but you do mind if I try it again?”

“Sure go ahead,” she said reluctantly.

In my head I could hear the translation, “sure, even though you clearly don’t have the money- go ahead! Maybe some magic will happen and you’ll find 30 bucks. We both know your broke ass can’t afford all of this.”

Denied one more time.

Sadly, I told her to take off the green overalls and paid cash for the other two items: one long blue dress (work and drink appropriate) and the short blue dress.

I know what you’re thinking: Why don’t you calm down with all the variety?

On my way home I thought about those green overalls. A part of me equates them with my Cambridge dreams. The voice in my head mirrored cashier 4, “We both know your broke ass cant afford that four bedroom townhouse you found on craigslist.” So maybe for now I’m too broke to live out my red line ambitions, but there is some silver lining: at least the T is only $1.60 with my Charlie card!

on the bleachers

You may have noticed that I have not posted about myself in a while. I’ve vaguely mentioned that a lot has happened in my life recently. I’m not going to get into all of it, but I’ll tell you this.

It’s always been way easier for me to be a negative person than a positive one, and I think that could be true for most people, but I probably only think that because I’m used to being a negative person.

Q: How many negative people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Fuck it, we’re screwed.

Kanye West once said, “I’m so gifted at finding what I don’t like the most” and I really resonated with that. I am incredibly gifted at finding what I don’t like the most in any situation. And if things are going poorly? I’m ready to flee the scene and resort to my parents helping me out.

My negativity has affected friendships and relationships, so it’s definitely something I’m changing. I’m changing it by tuning up my habitual negative response. So when I feel like things are going poorly, instead of reflecting on that, I try to focus on what I have, even if it’s a small thing or total duh thing. For example, I have all my limbs. And this isn’t me being a sarcastic bitch, I am honestly grateful for my limbs. I’m currently working a position that requires all my motor functions, so it’s pretty sweet that I have arms and hands, and I like my legs. Even if I have to start there, that’s where I’ll start.

I’m also ready to change my verbal response when I get questions like, “How have you been?” Instead of saying, “Just dealing with the crushing anxiety in the pit of my stomach every day” I say things like, “I’ve been doing well, how are you?”

Is it a lie to say you’re doing well when you’re not, or is it just positive thinking?? I don’t think of it as a lie, I think of it as reinforcing the positive. If I say things are good, maybe I’ll believe that they’re good. And, again, I have all my limbs.

So, if you’re like me, you need to get your shit together. Your friends and loved ones are gonna get real tired of your complaining, if they haven’t already — and guess what, they have. From this moment onward, you need to focus on the good things you have in your life, even if it’s just “I like my hair” or “There’s a new episode of my favorite show on tonight.” It’s okay to start small. You just have to start.

Embrace the good. There’s a lot of it, if you stop being a whining jerk. Remember: life doesn’t owe you anything. It’s up to you to make the best out of life. This year is going to go by whether you do something positive or not. So do positive things, make positive changes, and be positively upbeat that it’s going to work out for you, even if you can’t see the path. Just grab a flashlight and keep walking.

 ♥ E

~

QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE

abenaki tower