So many girls

I’ve been so many different girls throughout my life. I’ve been the girl the guy doesn’t care about, who takes her on a “date” and it ends in a make out in his car- meaningless and nothing. I’ve been the unattainable girl, the rebound, the girl with a puppy-dog crush, the crazy girl, the desperate girl, the dork, and the heartbreaker. I’ve been a bitch, and a sweetheart, and considered goth or hippie or hipster. I’ve been the weird girl, the fancy girl, the fashiony city girl, the naïve girl. All depending on whose eyes are looking at me; Whose eyes I’m being seen through. I’ve been the girl who’s fallen for artists, musicians and mechanics, the girl who only wanted to date a guy who owns a car, the girl who doesn’t care what a guy looks like, the girl who settles, the girl who’s not picky enough, the girl who’s too picky, the girl who only likes funny guys, the girl who only likes older guys. I’ve been the girl who has been called a prude and a slut. I’ve been the flirt, the tease, the confusing girl who leads guys on. I’ve been the mean girl, the cold girl, the girl with family issues, the elusive butterfly. All the while, the only variable being the man who was looking at me and the only constant being me.

♥E

what I’ve learned in the past year

In a nutshell…

It is better to be someone’s priority than to be their option.
Lots of things suck, but they’re balanced by lots of things that don’t suck.
People will disappoint you. It’s up to you to decide how disappointed you want to be.
When something feels wrong, it’s wrong.
Trust your gut. As women, we’re made to feel silly for trusting our gut, and that’s total bullshit.
You don’t have to know the answers to everything, or even half of everything.
Showing up can be the hardest thing to do.
To quote Maya Angelou, for the millionth time, “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” It’s a lesson I’m still learning, but I’ll get it right one day.
If he doesn’t text back, he’s probably not interested.
What’s really important to you may not even blip on someone else’s radar. We only see a small fraction of other peoples’ lives. So calm down.
It’s only scary if you make it scary.
Laziness is an abhorrent trait.
Waking up sucks, but you’ll get more done if you wake up earlier rather than later. So just wake up earlier. Drink some coffee. Or take some amphetamines, whatever gets your train rolling.
You can’t rush into your next relationship. It happens when you’re not trying. Because that’s when you’re free.
You have to do the best with what you have. No excuses.
Excuses are weaknesses served as reasons. They’re not reasons.
Wine is never a bad idea.

♥ E

Am I not myself?

∴ I think the worst thing someone can do is dictate how you should feel. If someone tells you to calm down, you’re going to get angrier. If someone tells you to cheer up, you’re going to sulk. If someone tells you to move on, you’re going to punch them in the face.

Speaking of faces, I thought I was putting on a good one. I go out and think I’m okay. I think I’m my easy breezy self. Then someone proves to me that I’m not. Someone will ask me if I’m upset. Or if I’ve had too much caffeine. Then I realize that I wasn’t fooling anyone. My emotions were as obvious on my face as red lipstick. I absolutely hate admitting that I’m having a tough day, week, month, year, and I especially hate putting it here on my blog because what I really want is for people to think that I am indestructible, like Robo-cop, at all times. I’ve never seen Robo-cop but what I’ve gathered from pop culture references, he appears to be indestructible. I think he wears a metal police uniform. I imagine he’s also a social smoker at parties.

So yes, I’m not having the time of my life right now. I was for some time and then it came crashing down right on my head. I also hate announcing that I’m not doing well, because from what I understand and have seen and personally experienced, it could all be much worse. I do have my health. I have my friends. I have some of my family. Those are the three essentials in my life, and three out of three is outstanding. It’s just my feelings that aren’t alright and what are feelings but things that annoy us anyway? It’s not real. It’s not like I can just check out because I have feelings. If I had malaria no one would fault me out for avoiding life. But feelings?

It’s just a culmination of things right now. I’ll be fine soon. I’m supposed to be fine now. I’m not. Fuck off. I’m sorry. I hope that one day I’ll be able to write something without cursing or being crude. I also hope I’ll be able to one day write something and not make a pop culture reference. This is maybe my most foreseeable goal right now.

In the mean time Ob la di. Ob la da. Sometimes I wish that this blog was a secret website where I could say what I really wanted to say. Then I remember what diaries are for. I remember how I used to write in journals. I like handwriting things but I’m not Abe Lincoln. I have a fucking computer. But I think my reliance on technology has weakened my handwriting. Remember when you were a kid and you would forge you mom or dad’s signature on something? You would do it slowly and carefully thinking to yourself, “Yes, this is how she signs it. This is how adults write.” That’s just about what my handwriting looks like right now. Like a kid trying to write like how they think an adult would write. It’s terrifying.

To quote someone I never, ever thought I would quote, Bruce Springsteen – “I want to change my clothes, my hair, my face.”

 ♥ E

here’s a picture of me from sinko de mayo – just 4 you.

keep my name out of yo hashtag!

While I fancy myself somewhat of a Remarkable Addition to Society (and yes that was meant to be capitalized) and I do love me a cocktail. I don’t think I could be further from this idealistic fantasy of a young woman that knows how to handle her relationships and emotions. Typically this entry would start out with “I couldn’t help but wonder,” or “Spotted,” but not this time. Never. Ever.

Being the oh so shocking Falmouth combo of a college dropout community college student and writer, making my way in life at times has felt pretty futile. In the land/island where prescription pads reign supreme over the younger crowd and where booze is only a phone call away, I’ve found it pretty easy to numb myself- especially after heartbreak. “It’s not you, it’s me.”

“I want to have fun.”

“What you’re asking for is reasonable I just can’t give it to you.”

After hearing all of those a few dozen times it’s easy to get discouraged. My preferred methods for coping with a broken heart are: full days spent without 1) getting out of bed 2) performing any mandatory tasks and 3) eating a bag of baby spinach.

But all kidding and sarcasm aside, something like the earthquake in Haiti happens or something tragic and out of the blue happens to a friend of a friend and we are all left with horrible reminders of how short life is and how it is unfortunately it can be cut even shorter in an instant. It’s times like these when I feel like all of that depression and claiming that I’m “wearing a frown” when a girlfriend asks what I’m wearing to some guy’s house seems so utterly pointless. Wallowing in our comfort zones is really only cheating ourselves out of good times we could possibly have and new friends we could possibly meet.

My only advice in regards to all stated above; is from that stupid children’s show Adventure Time. “Bruises are just hickies from the universe.” Make what you want of it. But my ears shot up upon hearing that when I was watching Saturday morning cartoons with my younger brother.  There’s a reason why we get knocked down and hurt after we put ourselves out on a limb. We just don’t know why yet.

♥ E

P.S. I just gave unsolicited advice from fucking Adventure Time, so feel free to completely ignore all the above.

How to fake having ‘it’ together

They say fake it ‘till you make it. Some things you should not fake:

Being a doctor
Flying an airplane
Assuring everyone at the table that you know how much each person owes for dinner plus tax and tip
Other than that, go for it. It’s not lying if you believe it.

From now on, you no longer “hang out.” You have business meetings. Getting together with a friend for coffee? Business meeting.

Mom buying you lunch? Business meeting.

Phone call with your therapist? Business call.

What’s a business meeting anyway, really? As long as
you accomplished something – anything – in a set amount of time, you’re taking care of business.

Post non-braggy updates on Facebook. Here’s an example.

DO:
Psyched to be writing for Cool New Web Blog Everyone Loves (like Boots & Bisous) Will try not to suck too hard. Thanks to everyone for reading my stuff!

DO NOT:
Wow, totally overwhelmed and just brimming with joy that I was asked out of millions of people to write exclusively for Cool Blog Everyone Loves. I know I’m gonna hit it out of the park!!! You guys, please retweet and Facebook share everything I write. It’s really important, I need to keep this going, I am doing so great everything is awesome, I can’t wait to text my BFF Jonah Hill about this!!!!

Sometimes I see all the great things my friends are doing and I feel really good for them. Sometimes I see all the great things my “who the fuck are these people, did we even meet” friends are doing and I feel really annoyed. But if you’re using Facebook and you’re not planning to quit anytime soon, stop the “ugh can’t believe I’m sick again and no one is hiring me and I want to die” updates and project good, confident energy.

You may be asking, “What if nothing great is happening to me?”

If nothing great is going on in your life, you make like the Price is Right Wheel and spin it.

“How are you?” someone asks at a party.

Don’t say, “I’m awful no one will hire me and my boyfriend got fat.” Say, “I’m doing pretty well, and I don’t feel like killing myself.”

If they say, “Wow, that’s horrible, my brother killed himself and I find that really offensive,” respond with, “Wow, because I was really referring to your brother just now because everything is about you and your fucking dead brother, isn’t it? Go fuck yourself.” Then steal a copy of The Great Gatsby from their house before you leave.

If the party isn’t at their house, follow them home. Wait until they go to sleep. Break in. Find their copy of The Great Gatsby. Take it. Everyone has a copy of The Great Gatsby. If you don’t, it’s because I stole it.

But that’s not important right now. My point is that people don’t need to know what’s really happening in your life, especially if it bums you out, because why share what makes you sad? Find the brightest side and go with it. You’re faking it until you feel it, remember?

“What do you do for a living?” they may ask you. “Nothing, I can’t get a job and I complain about that on my blog” = “I’m a freelance writer until I find something I really want to commit to.”

You have to take those moments when panic and fear slap you across your face and block them with your fake confidence. Picture your confidence as your personal bodyguard.

Also, next time you want to cry, laugh instead. Laugh because of how absurd it is. “Why yes, MINI dealership, of course I have $8,000 to spend on a new transmission and labor costs for my 2006 MINI Cooper.”

Just kidding, are you fucking kidding me? If I had $8,000 to spend on a 2006 MINI Cooper, I wouldn’t even have a 2006 MINI Cooper in the first place. I would have 6 regular Coopers instead. Oh really? You don’t appreciate my sarcasm? I don’t appreciate you FUCKING ME. What, you think because you’re a dealership I’m gonna do whatever you say? You think I’m Miley and I’m just gonna twerk up against you? You can go twerk yourself.

Then hang up and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.

❤ E