How To Succeed (If I Had To Make A Guess)

This blog is for entertainment purposes only. Now and then I like to share some advice or tongue-in-cheek wisdom and if you get something out of that I think that’s fantastic. But I don’t really know anything. One BIG thing that I do NOT know how to do is be successful. If I were successful then I wouldn’t be the dear struggling naïve young adult that I am. And to the reader who emailed me — I’m really not Kate Mara.

Back when I used to take Ambien, I would get hit by my brain’s obsession of spiraling my thoughts around in my head as I was trying to drift off to sleep. This is why I don’t take Ambien anymore. I would also talk very loud in my sleep. That’s another good reason not to take ambien. Once in my half-awake/half-asleep dreamlike place, I wrote a list titled:

HOW TO BE SUCCESSFUL

*SIDE NOTE: I found this in my old notebook and my handwriting at the time was not very legible.

1. GET A TWIN! (Yes, I really did think this was a good idea, and no; I have no idea what it means either.)
2. GET PEOPLE TO CALL OTHER PEOPLE FOR ME, LIKE THEY WORK FOR ME. (???I don’t know where I was going with this???)
3. Hasgbjahg Fgsfs— (the writing got kind of difficult to read here.)

Listen, I don’t recommend doing anything on this list in the great name of success. And I think that deep down, I’m afraid of success, which is why I don’t attempt it. What if I actually do really well in life? Then what? I know, it’s weird, it’s like a Joaquin Phoenix complex or something.

But I think I have some general ideas as to how to be successful:

1. Do something that scares you. By which I mean, do NOT inject poison into your eyes or put caterpillars on your face, but rather do something outside of your comfort zone because it will help you grow.

2. Don’t beat yourself up when you fuck up. Because it’s over with. If you could go back in time and change it, you would, and you know you would. Let that be enough. Realize that there is an ocean of time ahead of you that will give you many chances to not fuck up.

3. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. If you don’t ask for help then the answer is always “NO.”

4. Don’t be too polite. Do NOT be a miserable bitch. Do NOT throw hot coffee in peoples’ faces. DO NOT slash someones’ tires. What I mean by this is basically, stand up for yourself! The only one who can be your biggest defender is you. Unless you’re in court, then I would seriously get a lawyer. You never represent yourself, that’s Law & Order Rule #1. (Rule #2? “When I left, she was still alive!”). Eleanor Roosevelt once said something like, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” That unlikely historically famous feminist bitch was right! So when someone does you a favor say “Thank you” and move on. SAYING “THANK YOU” ONCE IS PLENTY IF YOU MEAN IT. Remember, desperation makes people nervous!

5. Don’t compare your progress to someone else’s. This one is hard for me because, as we all know, I am super jealous. If I were a super hero, jealousy would be my superpower. And what a dumb superpower, it wouldn’t even be able to help anyone! It’s tempting to want to look at Phoebe Caulfield and say, “Wow, Phoebe Caulfield  is doing everything right and I’m not” and then to cry about it, but don’t! Because for everything that Phoebe Caulfield has, there’s something YOU have that SHE doesn’t. There always is! Because if she didn’t…SHE’D BE YOU. DID I JUST BLOW YOUR EFFING MIND? Really though, we’re all doing our best in this world and some people get there faster than others, but we all get there. Again, just look at the odds! Odds are by the time you die you’ll have done something great in your life! Even Phil Spector, who is now sitting in jail for murder, still changed music forever!! Woah!!

I’ll stop there for now. Decide to be successful! And just holler if you need me. I’m so much better at giving my advice than taking my advice.

♥E

dates.

OK everyone by now you know that I feel that no one really dates anymore so perhaps your question for me is, 1) “So Emma, what sort of date WOULD you like to go on?” Or maybe your question is, 2) “Why are you being such a bitch lately?” I’m going to answer the first question because the second question is impossible to answer. That’s like asking why an apple is edible. Or why the moon is so big. Or why Jon Hamm is so perfectly engineered. And et cetera.

A few days ago a some guy I know invited me to go for a hike. Because of point #2 above, I said no. I don’t hike. What am I, Yogi Bear? But the point is that is a great idea for a date! It’s going outside of the box. It’s saying to the box, “Hey fucker, I’m going to step right outside of you and I’m not even going to look back.”

When it comes to dates, I like to go old school. I really do like a guy to take me out to a  restaurant. It doesn’t need to be expensive or trendy. Personally I don’t have a favorite restaurant, but if some dude saddled up and said, “Hey I know an awesome place” and then took me to East Side Pocket in Providence, that would pretty much melt my heart.

But dinner can be too cliche. Some other cool things to do include museums. Remember those? They’re like the internet but instead of hilarious GIFs (Side note: I hate GIFs. They’re like 1/8 of a punchline, if that. No nuance, no thought required. Just garbage), they’re real, physical works that you can look at, but not touch. The great thing about going to museums is that you can both feel like you’re really accomplishing something and it’s great to drop at a party. “Oh I just got back from the new _____ show” and people want to sound equally cultured so they’ll say, “Wow, how was it?” and then you can say, “It was resplendent/dull/fascinating/preterable.” BTW that last word was made up DID YOU NOTICE? You better keep your eyes locked on what I write because you never know when I’m going to throw you a fucking curveball. I’m like Mr. Simonet, from Pay It Forward: always trying to educate.

Now I know at this age and with the economy it’s hard to afford a decent date to which I say, TOO BAD, MONEY UP! No No that’s harsh. Really, there are inexpensive things you can do. Like hike. Or cook something together. Or look at plants or whatever. I am not being condescending! These are fine things to do! Or you could go scout out a photobooth and for 2-4 bucks get real non-Mac photobooth photos or walk along the beach. Or if you were on the date that I was on, you have that beach stroll interrupted by a phone call from your date’s strung-out friend who is confused and is stranded in Buzzards Bay without a ride or shoes. But whatever!

♥E